Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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