my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
