yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Houston, we have a squirter
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
