1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
