my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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