I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
