Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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