I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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