I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
