I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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