Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
