my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
