Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
