I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
