So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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