what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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