I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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