i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
