fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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