The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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