Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
