I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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