Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
