i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
