Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
