If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
