just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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