god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
