How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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