I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
