and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
