Texts From Last Night

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  (480): View more from Arizona

  ...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.

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  (480): ...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can. http://tfl.nu/7kew
  Replies (5) Good night (2558) Bad night (616)
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  (818): View more from California

  We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier

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  (818): We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier http://tfl.nu/rs4k
  Replies (25) Good night (4056) Bad night (706)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.

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  (303): I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer. http://tfl.nu/pliu
  Replies (18) Good night (1453) Bad night (4309)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?

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  (724): dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....? http://tfl.nu/b2i2
  Replies (22) Good night (1040) Bad night (10769)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

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  (773): apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened. http://tfl.nu/hpbr
  Replies (18) Good night (5806) Bad night (1535)
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.

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  (218): I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting. http://tfl.nu/tl66
  Replies (11) Good night (908) Bad night (1643)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.

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  (250): Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team. http://tfl.nu/f49a
  Replies (1) Good night (719) Bad night (1578)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again

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  (978): No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again http://tfl.nu/wayk
  Replies (1) Good night (871) Bad night (435)
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"

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  (864): I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY" http://tfl.nu/isd1
  Replies (7) Good night (1825) Bad night (453)
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating

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  (216): I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating http://tfl.nu/1tih
  Replies (3) Good night (1059) Bad night (282)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?

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  (304): I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed? http://tfl.nu/vp1b
  Replies (4) Good night (243) Bad night (1348)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.

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  (202): I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house. http://tfl.nu/n9mx
  Replies (7) Good night (1534) Bad night (315)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.

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  (480): There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which. http://tfl.nu/ypuq
  Replies (2) Good night (510) Bad night (184)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring

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  (610): I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring http://tfl.nu/xbtn
  Replies (0) Good night (403) Bad night (632)
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long

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  (601): Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long http://tfl.nu/yjw4
  Replies (6) Good night (430) Bad night (263)

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