I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
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what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
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I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?