Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
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There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
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I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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