someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
