why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
