Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
