I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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