You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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