My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
