I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
