dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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