Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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