Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
