There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
