I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
