i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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