Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
