I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
