Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
