well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
