Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
