ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
