Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
