i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
