she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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