So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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