At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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