Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
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Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
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I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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