cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
